Somewhere between rhyme and reason

That is what I was going to call my new blog. I have decided to stay right here. What is a new blog going to accomplish? This is my space to vent.. and yesterday, I felt so good to have a place to go and just let it out. I don't like to burden the people around me with this stuff.. they have heard so much and to be honest it probably scares the crap out of my girlfriend. A lifetime of this? Who would want that?

Here I sit tonight, at my computer. I am alone with my cd playing the soundtrack from the Wonder Boys. My Uncle Henry gave me the soundtrack. He said... "we are the wonder boys" My Uncle always has been the crazy one. He was a hippie in the 60s and 70s. I remember when I was about 10 years old and he would play "Iron Butterfly" out of his window on Sunday morning so the people going to church next door had something to listen to.. In da godda da vida baby.... He has always been a rebel. He also has always been a loner. He lives not too far away and I know I should go by and visit him more often. My dog Max now lives right down the street from him. When I am at work, I could just stop by on the way home and spend some time with my uncle.. but I haven't done that too often. About 2 months ago, I took Alex to visit Henry. He is still very cool and still has dreams. He is in his 50s now but if you saw him drive by in his truck with his baseball cap on, you would think he was a college student. Something about our family.. we don't age. I don't look my age.. my sister is almost 40 and she looks like she is in her middle 20s. Henry, will never look his age. As I sit her and listen to Neil Young and Bob Dylan, I am remembering some of the times when Henry was younger. He has never had ambitions to have a better job, or to climb up the ladder of success, but he now owns two houses and just paid for a $40,000 truck with cash. He still lives a very simple life. I need to go visit Henry and talk of trees and music.

I just finished a huge paper for my MBA. I am proud of it, a masterpiece... it took me 5 hours to complete.

I will do yoga in a little while and then well.. I guess I'll go to sleep. I won't have to worry about living alone for the rest of my life, I know that I have a partner to share my life with to share my love with. I know others that are still looking for love and I know some that are happy alone.

I am trying hard to release the hate that I have inside. It does no good. I know that something should be done, but to dwell on what 'should' happen and what really will happen only will serve to make me angry and to fill my belly with rocks. I don't need that. I will do my best in this life and take care of my boys the best that I can.

Have you ever had a moment of road rage? Someone cuts you off and then you speed up and cut them off? the anger flowing back and forth.. building.. feeding upon anger Pushing each other to the limit.. hopefully there isn't a gun in that other car... That is what anger does.. it feeds on other angers. I am going to try hard to settle my mind, to live life the best I can.

I will see my boys soon.. my little wonder boys.. I wonder what they are thinking right now.

Today was their first day of school. This is the first year that I haven't gone to see them. I remember the boys faces last year and how nervous they were that maybe their mother would see them with me.. I remember that Alex pretended that I wasn't there.. and how it made me feel. I thought about my friend and that he is at work.. he didn't walk his boys to school today. He will see them tonight and ask them how thier day was. I can't.

No more road rage for me.

It's time to find a path that I can walk on for awhile,