I should be happy
I saw the boys last night. They were so happy and told me all about their new teachers. Andy's teeth look like they did when he broke his baby teeth, a V right in the middle. He is ok and his teeth will be fixed. I guess he tripped and fell in a store last Sunday. I asked if they wanted me to come to school and meet their teachers, and they said that there isn't much time and that maybe later. Alex told me that he has to raise his hand if he has something to say and then his teacher points to him and he has to stand up to speak. He likes that sort of discipline. Andy told me about all his friends and about this one boy with a big head. We prayed together, thanking God for everything he has done and to try to keep love in thier hearts and to keep hate away. Andy wanted to try to bring a few toys to his mother's house to see what would happen. I guess we'll see on Friday when the boys come over for the weekend. Hopefully he will be able to bring the toys back. One time she ran them over with he car when she saw the he brought a couple of little lego people over. I know.. she is crazy.

So, speaking of crazy, I am feeling more than a little melancholy today. My girflriend may be having second thoughts about marrying me. To be honest how can I blame her. She is young, beautiful and to marry me would mean that she would be adopting a whole bunch of crazy in her life. There will be two boys that love thier dad and that may have a hard time adjusting to someone new living in the clubhouse. There is a crazy ex wife that will always want to make things more difficult. I can't help but think about what my girlfriend's life would be like if she didn't fall in love with me. I don't know if I make her life better. I never would want her to have regret.

Last night she asked me.. "what if it doesn't work out?" what if we get married and things don't work out? then what? That is the question she was asking herself. What if she can't handle it. What if all this is too much.

What if I lose her? Today she asked me if she had made me sad, because I don't feel too well today. I should be happy, but I just think that I may not be making her life better and that hurts me inside. I told her that she doesn't make me sad, but it's those things in my life that I can't change that make me sad. The things that could scare her away. She didn't say anything else this morning on the way to work.