letter to my ex wife

Letter to my ex wife

I am once again writing to ask you to open some line of communication so that we could discuss Alex and Andy and to develop a new visitation schedule. I have attempted to contact you, as well as the boys for the past 3 months. I have received no response to letters or phone calls. I have provided to you an email address:

email address...... deleted

The only emails that I receive on that address are nasty notes from friends of yours. I am sure that you have received this email address, as no one else would have had it to pass on, so that I would receive any email at all.

I never will understand your reasoning for alienating Alex and Andy against me. I know that you may not understand why I have moved to another State, when I love Alex and Andy so much. Well, let’s just look at the last five years since I asked for a divorce. Actually, it has been nearly 6 years now. At that time you said that you would do everything to make the boys hate me. I thought at the time that you may be smarter than that, but over the past five plus years you have done just that. What you don’t realize is that it doesn’t really work.

For the past 5 years you refused me access to the boys via the telephone. I guess you thought that this was punishing me for leaving. You caused difficulty on every birthday, holiday and major event. A holiday or birthday was always some sort of game with you and I rarely saw the boys on their birthdays because of it. At times I felt it was even necessary to call the police to document your behavior. Over the course of the last five years, you did your best to refuse me access to the boys at all. You refused to give Alex to me on his birthday and you followed up by not giving him to me for my scheduled visitation the following week. You have denied me Andy on his birthday and access to the boys on my birthday as well. You stopped weekday dinner visitations altogether. You refused to give the boys to me on Father’s day, without even any explanation. The boys later told me that you made them hide in the closet on that day. This summer I had to go to court just to get the boys for my summer visitation. Then recently when I told you that I had to go out of town for work, you told me that if I didn’t pick the boys up that weekend, that you would never let me pick them up again.

Do you really wonder why I have moved to another State? The only reason I would stay in Arizona was so that I could see the boys on a regular basis, but you took that away. You have never passed on information from school. Teachers send items home for both of us to see, but you have never passed anything to me. I know that some information is meant for Father’s, but still you have not communicated with me at all. You have never passed on school pictures or Alex and Andy’s accomplishments. The only information that I ever receive about how they are doing is from their teachers and from the boys themselves and that is limited. Gigi, I never will understand why you feel it is necessary to talk bad about me to the boys. Your anger towards me clouds your judgment and you can’t see through those clouds to know what you are doing to Alex and Andy. You may even gain some measure of happiness by thinking that the boys dislike their father. How sad that is for you that you feel this way.

It is even sadder for the boys.

On the contrary, since the beginning of this whole mess, I always told the boys that they should love their mother and all of their family. I told them to be honest and that if I ever said something that made them uncomfortable or if I asked them questions, that they could tell me that they didn’t want to talk about it. Occasionally, they may have said something that you did, such as when you broke into my apartment and took some of my things. I asked Alex about it, but then he felt uncomfortable and we dropped it. The boys always knew that they could tell me that they didn’t want to talk about something. I realize that it is hard to hold back your emotions, so the boys were always able to tell me that they were uncomfortable. Do they feel the same way with you? Do you allow them to let things go? Or, do you question them as if it some kind of third degree?

Alex and Andy have other family members in the Phoenix area that they have built relationships with during their lifetime. They have cousins, Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents that would love to see them. Just because I am no longer in the area does not mean that those relationships should go away. My family would love to ease any burden that my move has caused you. If at any time you or your family is unable to take care of Alex and Andy, or if you would like the boys to visit their family on weekends that they would have been with me, my family will be happy to pick up the boys. You have their phone numbers and they have called you to offer the same assistance.

I know that this is a request that will fall upon deaf ears. You have no interest in allowing Alex and Andy to see their cousins or their family on my side. I have learned that if it doesn’t benefit you, that you will have no interest in continuing any relationship. The thing that you do not realize is that Alex and Andy are building up resentment inside for the way you have treated this entire situation. You won’t see it. You don’t realize that the boys are very much afraid of you. Andy actually believes that if he crosses you that you will kill him. He remembers the times that you locked him in the garage for saying nice things about his father or for the times when he got spanked for hugging my ex girlfriend. He remembers that you said she had a disease, so stay away from her. He will remember what you call my current wife and while they may fear you enough not to talk back now, or to do anything about it. When they are older they will remember how you have acted. The boys remember the time you sent them to my house with no shoes on in the rain, only plastic bags on their feet. They remember all the times that they were supposed to go with Dad, but had to hide in the house, or go away. They will remember all the times that you said bad things about their father.

Believe me, Alex and Andy deserve better, but after 5 years of fighting for them and watching my time with them dwindle more and more, the decision to accept a job outside of Arizona was very easy to make.

I am once again asking you to communicate with me regarding the boys and upcoming visitation. I would hope that you could put aside your anger and do what is best for them. However, I don’t hold out much hope that you will contact me. You have proven that you don’t have the best interest in the boys at heart. Rather, you have the heart of a very vindictive person. You could easily write me an email a letter or call me and we could have a conversation about the boys, putting aside our dislike for each other.

At this point, I am not sure when or if you will ever allow me to speak to or see them again. I have called several times a week, only to have the phone hung up on me. I have a record of all of these calls as well as the hundreds of calls that I have made in the past 5 years. How ridiculous you must think it is that I continue to call, even though you never let me speak to the boys. You must ask why I do this, why don’t I just give up? Well, because the boys know that I am calling, the boys tell me that they hear the phone and know it is their Dad that is calling. That is the limited communication that I have with them at this point. I think that it is ironic that you may think that this is good, or even laugh at that statement. The thing is, you don’t realize that the boys do love their Father and they love my sister and my brother in law and they love their cousins. Alex and Andy love all of their Grandparents and they love you and your family too. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Why can’t you just do what is best for them?
In the end, it will also be what is best for you.

The boys are getting older and they are very intelligent. Alex unfortunately knows everything that goes on. He listens to everything. He knows when you are fighting with your father; he knows that I continue to try to talk to him. Alex is so afraid that we will run into you at a store or a restaurant that we hardly ever went into Scottsdale. One of the reasons that moved to Mesa was so I could spend time with the boys and they wouldn’t have the fear that you would be driving by or see them with me. One time I wanted to take the boys to open house at their school, but when I told Alex, he was so afraid that you would be there, he crawled down on the floor of the car so you wouldn’t see him, he was hyperventilating so I drove away. Why do you think that he doesn’t want you to see him with me? Do you think that he is afraid that we will fight? No, that’s not it, he knows that when he is with you, he has to say bad things about his dad and how terrible it is with him… he does this to make you happy. Then when he is with me he can be himself and we have a rule to throw out those negative thoughts and to just have a nice time together. He loves to hold my hand when we walk or to spend time with me putting together his train set. So, how can he deal with the two of us in the same place? Do you understand what he is going through? Living two different lives. One with Dad, and another with Mom? What happens when we are together? Will he have to pretend that he hates me, right in front of me? I know that you only see the boys with me when I pick them up and drop them off. You may think that it is strange that they don’t run up and hug me or kiss me goodbye. Well, we do that away from your house. We say our goodbyes early because the boys are afraid that you will be mad at them if you see them hug me. Andy always would remind me on the driver over, to give me a hug on my arm. I would reach back, just before we turned onto your street and both the boys would hug my arm as hard as they could. Alex would be looking up at the same time to see if maybe, you were walking down the street. If he even saw a car that looked like yours or another person, he would let go. If Alex had any books or toys in the car, he hid them under the seat when we drove up to your house to drop them off. He didn’t even want you to see what he had at my house. Why do you think that is? I know why. Do you think that he will remember this when he is older? Do you think that he will resent that he had to hide his love for his Dad from you? Do you think that he will resent you?

Do you remember the postcard that I sent him in August? That was a postcard that he bought himself with money that I gave him during our trip to California. On our trips, I would give each boy some money so they could budget it themselves and find their own mementos to buy. Alex saved his money for big things and Andy bought a lot of little things. I also gave each of them a camera to take their own pictures to put in their own scrapbook. Alex devised a plan to see if I could send cards or letters to him when I moved. It was Alex’s idea to send himself a postcard and see if he got it. He was sure that you would let him keep any letter or card that I sent to him. We sent it, and your mother picked up the mail. Alex told me that he saw the postcard sitting on the table and that he told his Grandmother that it was his. She gave it to him, even though it was folded in half and told him to hide it in his desk. Later that evening you must have found out about it, because Alex told me that you came and got it and that it was in the trash the next day. Do you realize what this does to Alex? How much he resents you for constantly trying to alienate him against his father? Do you understand what this will mean in the future? How you have hurt Alex and Andy by not allowing them contact with their Father? Alex knows that he should never bring something to your house from my house. It isn’t my rule, it is HIS rule. I have told the boys that they could bring anything to their Mom’s house. I thought it was ridiculous that Alex would have 2 sets of Harry Potter books and that they had 2 sets of toys. When I knew that I was leaving, I asked the boys to take anything that they wanted with them to your house because it didn’t make sense for me to move it to Oklahoma so that it could sit in a closet. Do you know what the boys said? Andy reminded me of the time that you took a Lego keychain and put it under the tire of the car and ran it over. He reminded me of the time you through out his pumpkin that he loved so much and wanted to show you. Alex just said, forget it Dad, even though I told him that he should take his N gauge train set to your house so he could enjoy it. He just told me, “you know how she is Dad, she’ll throw it out” Andy wanted very much to take his toys or maybe even some of his favorite clothes home. He thought it would be a good idea to wear his favorite camouflage clothes home on the last day, but Alex reminded him of the time you tore up the brand new shoes that I bought him because they weren’t the ones you sent him to me in. Alex told Andy that he better not bring anything to your house or it would be thrown out? Do you realize this? Do you realize how that will affect the boys? That Alex and Andy will remember all of that?

Andy told me before that he knew that his Mother would let us talk on the phone. He said, “Mom will let us talk, because the court will make her” he also told me that he knew that you wouldn’t let him get emails from me, or that you wouldn’t let him read his letters, cards or even get the presents that I sent to his house. The last time I saw him, he told me “Dad, don’t send me pictures of the new house in Oklahoma! Mom will kill me if I have them” “Kill me if I have them” that is what he said.

I know, that you will blame all of that on me. After all, if I didn’t ask for and get the divorce then you wouldn’t have to be the way that you are. I realize that unfortunately, that is the way you see it. I also realize that you may be saying, “You moved, it is your fault that the boys don’t see you” Well, the truth is, you are in complete control over when I see the boys. I was hardly seeing them anyway; you took my visitations away too. You are in complete control over when my family sees the boys, not them. I am asking you to communicate with me so that we can set up time for me to see the boys and to talk to them and for my family to see them. My family is offering to take the boys on any weekend that you are unable to watch them. I have told you in previous letters and my family has called you to make this same offer. You have decided to disregard these offers. You have decided to not allow the boys to talk to their father. I am writing this letter with hope that you will see how your actions over the past 5 years are going to hurt your relationship with the boys in the future.

The boys will remember that you told them that there were ghosts in the cabin at Pinetop. They will remember that you told them that Santa Claus couldn’t come to their father’s house because he doesn’t have a chimney. They will remember every single thing that you said about their father.

There is still time to change. There is time for you and I to have a different kind of relationship with regards to the boys. That takes communication. I am only bringing up the past, in a hope that you will see that there needs to be a change, that if you continue to alienate the boys from, the only people that you are hurting now, is them. The boys may not actually resent you right now, because they are just trying to survive all of this. However, they will remember all of this and in a few years… and really it will just be a few years, they will tell you how they feel. They won’t be as afraid of you as they are now. How will you feel when that happens?

I haven’t told you what the boys tell me, without being asked. I haven’t told you because I was afraid that you would punish them. I think you should know now. You see they love their grandmother, Margo. Alex is especially close to her. Why? Because Alex sees her as his refuge away from you. He calls her, his ‘protector’. Alex has told me that Margo protects him from you and you cannot believe how hurt he was that you took his postcard away from him. He tells me that Margo tries to do the right thing, but that you intervene. Alex has told me that he doesn’t keep any secrets from his Grandmother, that he tells her all about your relationships and where you go and when you go to your girlfriend’s house and lock the door. Alex told me that he tells Margo everything, because she is the only one that is looking out for him. Andy doesn’t feel that way, Andy has lot’s of resentment building up inside. Alex remembers how she let him keep his postcard and her knows that she fights for him to be able to see me and to talk to me, but he also knows how you fight against it. Alex has told me that as soon as he can leave, he will. Not to come to me, but to get away from everything. I worry that someday his Grandmother won’t be there to protect him from you or your father.

Alex has told me about the constant fighting, with neighbors or with your ex lover Kristen. How Kristen drove up and crashed into your trash cans and yelled in the street. He told me about you and your father fight and how he feels that the only person that protects him is his Grandmother. I feel bad that maybe he will blame me for not fighting harder to get him away from you. He may resent me for letting him stay with you.

I also know that the boys are probably pretty upset about me moving to Oklahoma. They enjoyed their weekends with me. Andy especially loved visiting the neighbors next door to my house and seeing his cousin. He loved riding his bike and making friends. Andy loved playing GI Joes in the yard or in the desert at my Sister’s house. It wasn’t happening much, but their most recent memory is of how nice it was during our summer visitation. That is why they are upset and maybe even angry with me. We tried very hard to have a ‘normal’ life on weekends together and during our summer visitation. However, it was becoming impossible for me to even know if I would even see them on any given weekend. I think that it is strange that you used to tell me that they never wanted to see me, and that the reason that you were taking all of our time together away was because they had “other things to do” I guess now, you see that they do love their father and that they want to see him. As I mentioned in my previous letter, there are several times during the year that I still could pick up the boys. Extended weekends and breaks occur on a monthly basis with the boy’s school schedule.


Here are the upcoming dates that they will not be in school.

November
27th-30th
December
20th-31st

January
1st-4th
17th-19th
February
14th-16th
March
6th-14th
April
9th-12th
May
School is out on the 25th

In addition, as I mentioned, my family would love to pick up the boys for any weekend days that you need help with the boys. We have a scheduled court date in April to discuss our summer visitation schedule. I would hope that we don’t have to go to court to work out a new visitation schedule. I am asking that you allow visitation with the boys. At the very least, you could allow me to speak to them. When we meet in April do you want to tell Judge Ditsworth that you didn’t allow me any visitation with the boys? Are you going to tell him that you didn’t let me talk to them for months and months? Are you going to tell him that you felt it was better that their father have no access to them at all? I have no idea what you are thinking. I only know that everything to you is about some kind of war, a war with me. Right now, you must be thinking about how you can get me back, or what nasty things you can say about me when you write me back. Maybe you’ll have another one of your friends write me an email. I am not sure what that is supposed to prove?

I know that you may think that this letter has been mean spirited or that I am angry with you. The truth is that I want things to change… I have wanted them to change for a very long time. Any other normal person would have given up long ago. I haven’t given up, but I know that the only way things are going to change at this point is for you to take the next step. Therefore the ball is in your court. You are in control of the boys fate as they are with you and you can let me see them, let me talk to them or not.

I am asking to be a part of the boy’s lives, but it is up to you to allow me to be a part.

If I don’t hear from you, I will take it that you don’t want the boys to have contact with their father. If that is the case, then I write this only to warn you that the boys will only resent you for that. They will be upset that I left, but I know that in time, they will understand that too.

I have spoken to lawyers, counselors, psychiatrists, judges and people that have been children in similar situations, with divorced parents. They all tell me of what will happen in the future. The boys will be very unhappy about how you have acted. They will also be unhappy with me, but they know that I have tried very hard to be a part of their lives. In the end, nobody wins. The most important thing is to just let our disdain for each other move to the side so we can do what is right for Alex and Andy.

I am asking you to look beyond the present. Look at how the boys will be in 10 years. What do you think that they will remember most about these years? Will they remember a father that tried to see them, tried to call and when they were together had wonderful times? Will they remember their mother that tried very hard to alienate their father from them? Or will they remember two parents that had a hard time coming together to do what is best for them and resent not only both of us, but everyone. I hope that you can put aside your hate for me and look to what Alex and Andy will remember from these times. Right now, you are saying to yourself….”they will remember a father that abandoned them” right? That’s what you are thinking. The thing is, Alex, Andy and I had long talks about what was going to happen. They knew why I had to take a job outside of the State. They have friends in similar situations, parents that don’t live in the same State. They know that it can work out. They also know that you are the one in control of whether they see me or not. If you remember one thing from this letter, remember that the boys understand that you are the one that controls whether or not they see their father. What does that mean? That means that if you don’t allow me time with them, they will resent you for it. Maybe that doesn’t bother you. Maybe you live for the present.

Again, that is too bad, because there are two boys that are growing into young men. They need both a father and a mother. It is up to you, if you want to give that to them.

Once again, the email address is . I think that it may be easier to communicate via email

I would hope that you could put aside your hate for me, to do what is best for the boys.