I am a broken record

For those of you that remember records :) they would skip and play the same part over and over because of a scratch on the surface. It seems that CDs do the same thing, although it sounds different.

I have a beautiful wife and every night I wake up at around 2am with dreams about my boys. Last night, I went to a school function. The boys weren't going to be there, I was going to meet the teacher, but when I turned around to pick up the packets of information about the boys.. my ex wife was there. She was wearing a dress, trying to look feminine... I grabbed the packets from her and she started screaming taht I hit her. I just walked away and went outside. She came running after me and I realized that she had the boys there. They looked like they were afraid of me. Alex seemed younger than Andy... and he hid. I went over to them and they started screaming "Go away, go away"

I have a new dream every night.

It's time to flip the record over. I can't take this. I think the boys need me in their life, but honestly.. I am not in their lives at all. Maybe they think about me, but I know that if I saw them in public and they were with their mother.. they would hide from me. It has happened before, they are afraid of her. I think that I have done my best... I am giving the court one more chance to do something, but I know in my heart that they won't do anything that will ever change the way that bitch of an ex wife is. That means that this.. will never change.. unless I change.

Why do I go through this over and over? I know, it is because I love my boys... because I miss them.. I have thought this through and I have applied for jobs all over the country.. from Oklahoma City to Philadelphia. There are plenty of jobs that fit my background. Jobs that would pay me double what I am making now.
I didn't apply for them in the past because I wanted to stay with my boys. I now can see the future.. 5 years down the road when the boys won't want to see me.. because they are afraid to.. when I will give up fighting in court becuase that bitch continues over and over to violoate court orders... the judge won't do anything drastic.. he won't throw her in jail.. and she knows it.

So.. it's time for a change folks... you can tell me that I am giving up on my boys.. but I am not.. I just know that it is a losing battle. I am going to fight to see them this summer, to spend quality time with them and to talk to them about the future and what is probably going to happen.

I love them.. and I don't want them to go through this anymore either.