Secretly Sad

I have been sad in secret. I have been alone with Molly, because my fiancée is spending some time with her Mom.. preparing some things before we get married. I am ok alone, I stay very busy. I work out like a madman at the gym, go for a long walk with Molly when it is really quiet and not as cool out as it used to be. On our walks, I can see the lights of the City and the stars overhead. Last night there was a little breeze, it is too easy for tears to come to my eyes at times.

It's little things that make it happen... last night, after my workout, I stopped in my grocery store to get a little surprise for my fiancée.. they are 'cool guacamole' Lays potato chips... for some reason, we can only find them in the store near my house. On the way in, I saw one of those rides that kids can sit in/on for a quarter and ride for a few minutes. They bump up and down and there is a big smile on the little kid's face. I know... my boys grew up, they aren't going to sit on that anymore and they don't go to the playground anymore either. How fast time goes by, how much of that time I missed. I remember that a few years ago, when the boys would come over for dinner at my apartment, we would take a walk at night over to Dairy Queen and in front there was a mechanical horse. The boys would take turns riding it. It wasn't that long ago that I had to hold Andy so he wouldn't fall off. He fly back and forth, while Alex would hold on tight. I felt the pain of all that time that I have missed with my boys... It wasn't a feeling of regret, I know why I left. I know why I asked for a divorce.. I knew that I had to get away to save myself.

Well.. enough about that.... the boys are getting older and I'll just do my best as a father with the time that I do have with them.

I cannot wait to hug my boys tonight. I can't wait to see them and tell them that I love them.. and just enjoy a great weekend.