I am sorry

I didn't mean to lash out against anyone. It's just that the other night, I was talking to my father and he said that he was upset about me not getting the boys on Wed. nights. He said that he was going to call Sheriff Joe Arpaio and ask him to do something. I said... "yeah, ok" I know that nothing will be done. I am mad at myself sometimes,,, to be honest, because I feel like I have given up.. but maybe it a sense of realism accepting the terrible circumstances more than anything. I get so much advice and from most people I get.. "there must be something to do about it" I bet there is in most cases.. but then again, you don't know my ex wife. You may think that you have a good idea of what kind of evil that she is, but you have to know that she can put up a very good front. She and her parents have had a lifetime to practice deceit and lies, they are damn good at it. I have no doubt that any good person that spends any amount of time with them will eventually see through their lies and catch a glimpse of how they truly are. It's like a horror movie.. if you could see people the way they really are inside... Sort of a Shallow Hal for the soul.. I think that over time, it does show.. she looks very bad, her parents are wrinkled, grey and beaten looking.. it gets harder and harder for them to appear normal. They have no friends.

So, it helps me sometimes to look at everything... and what can I really do... My mother gives the best advice really.. she is rarely wrong... although her advice can be cold and calculating.. maybe that is what I need sometimes.. maybe I am way too nice.. way too careful. If I look back at the advice that I didn't listen to from my mother..I realize that I made some mistakes. The moment she left the house with the kids.. I should have put it up for sale.. I should have moved everything out and changed the locks never letting her back in. But,,, I let her back and then I left.. well.. no use looking back.. it only hurts too much.

To go back to court again... well... sometimes I think that maybe this time.. maybe this time the judge will listen... or it is possible that maybe this time the judge gets fed up with everything and realizes that there is no real joint custody.. maybe he talks to the kids.. and I know what they will say.. they are very well adjusted, very intelligent and very afraid of their mother.. do I trust that the judge could see through that? or do I believe that my ex wife would find a way to have the boys say exactly what is necessary so I never see them again... Given my experience, I do not doubt the resolve of my ex wife, her hatred of me.

The next question people ask is Why.. why does she hate you so much?...and this one... "What did you do to her? There is no good way to answer that.. because you would have to know someone like her and her family.. sociopaths... to understand the way she is. I take some gratification that her next door neighbors understand now.. they know why I left....

She is upset because... she has no guarantees for the future now... she can't hope that she will be rich someday unless she wins the lottery.

Anyway.. I rant and rave here.. and I am having a great weekend.

Please don't think that I go around each day with my head in my hands.. I am happy in life. I work hard and enjoy my time with my boys when I do see them.... they get my full attention during those times.. and I am building a life with my fiancée.. we are working on the house... moving some things today and her parents will be visiting me.. so, life is good... I am deeply troubled by what has happened to my boys and my relationship with them.. but that damage has been done.. and I can only do what I can do now...

I really do appreciate the advice.. don't stop.. anyone.. please.. say what you want in my comments.. that is why they are there.. I will continue to keep my journal and continue to try to pick up the boys...

Thanks everyone for you support, kindness, prayers and caring... I used to say that people won't complain if they don't care.. they will just go away.. and that is true.. so thanks for all of your comments :)