Cell Phone

Today, I was angry, sure this is where I come to vent... right?

Well, yesterday when I talked to Alex for his birthday, it was functional discussion... I tried to talk and ask Alex questions as much as I could... maybe to somehow let him know that I think of him so often and also because it was another birthday that I won't see him. I want to be a part of his birthday. I asked if he got my gifts, and asked if he got his grandmother's card he said yes and that he got $20.00.

So, I should be happy that Alex answered the phone on his birthday.. after all I have called and called but have not spoken to Alex or Andy since the January 1st... the day that I saw them last.. Andy was crying and Alex may have had a tear in his eye.

why angry? well, I talked to my mother about the conversation and she told me that she actually sent Alex $40 and so, i called and left a message at my ex wife's house.. for her and her parents who live there to take a good look at themselves in the mirror... how could they live with themselves stealing $20.00 from Alex.

I was surprised to hear Alex's grandmother pick up the phone and start yelling at me... she was freaking out.. I specifically called and actually wrote down what I was going to say, so I wouldn't get upset... I asked to speak to them and not to the boys, but of course the phone was not picked up, so she was most upset that I was saying this in front of Alex, who was hearing my message...

then Alex got on the phone and told me that he got$40 and that I must have misunderstood him. I am sure that he said $20.00 because I specifically thought at the time, that it was strange that my mother would send such a small amount. I didn't say anything, because I did not know how much she sent.

Well... I did get to talk to Alex for a little while, he wasn't rude to me.. I think that he just didn't want to see his grandmother yelling and getting upset so he jumped in and thought that would stop things.. I could still hear her yelling in the background and he said..'she is yelling at the cat'

I want more than I have, but can't have anything more with the boys... not by my own fault but I know people look down on me for my situation. I wish that I could honestly say that I don't care what people think. I hope the boys grow up strong and happy and someday we can have a relationship, because we don't right now, just now and then memories, I have a box full of memories.. old photos to scan and post on a website that I am making for the boys.. that they may never see.. I don't know.. maybe someday they will see.. maybe, someday.

People will also tell me.. You have a fantastic family.. with M and your new beautiful little baby.. it's true.. I do, they are beautiful and love me, but my heart isn't so small that I don't have a big place in there for Alex and Andy, it's a bruised part of my heart right now that fills with joy when I can hug them again.

up in that photo is Alex and Andy and their cousin.

I hope that they think of me now and then and save a space in their heart for their dad.