Synopsis

No regrets

I had a conference today with the courts.. My new child support amount is over double what I am paying now..

I realize that nothing is ever going to change, my ex wife is a very good liar.. at times it works against her and at times she gets away with it.. today.. she got away with it.

I am not going to call the boys anymore.

I will not write anymore.

I will see them, when I see them and enjoy those moments.

Alex will be 18 in a little over 6 years.
Andy will be 18 in a little over 8 years.

that is how long I have to put up with my ex wife.. after that.. I never have to talk to her again.. I should never have to go to court again..

I am not going back to court, unless I am asked to...

I have filed for non compliance because of the phone calls and alienation and I was told that it will be refered to the judge.

Judges don't change people.. judges see too much of this crap.. Sometimes judges are like Dr. Laura.. it's your fault.. you deal with it now.

It is my fault.. I married an evil person.. and I am paying for it.. and will still pay for it.. I wouldn't feel too bad if I knew the boys would benefit from the money.. but that amount means that I will cut back my savings and now I won't be saving for their college education.. that will be up to their mother.. which she will not do.

I am not giving up.. I feel stronger today..

I will live my life with my wife.. I will try to be free of depression for things that I cannot change.

I hate to say it, but I have to let go.. I know.. you will say don't give up..

I am not giving up hope.. hope that my boys will always remember that I love them.. that a hung up phone call or a postcard at this point that is ridculed by thier mother or thrown out.. is really just a waste.

At this point.. I will do what I can.. when I can.. and that is it.

and... most importantly... I will take care of my wife.. and maybe we will have our own family.. have our own baby.

I love my boys, but I can't live like that.. I need to sleep, I need to live, I want to laugh and smile..

and I will.

and I hope... hope, that they will understand their Dad someday.

There is no point in going to court for full custody, when I can't even get the court to listen to my complaints..

I can't believe how unjust it can be sometimes.. I knew it would be like this.. that the conference officer would round everything up in favor of my ex wife and not even question a thing that she said.. I won't go into everything... but let's just say I felt like I got shafted by the courts.. and there isn't much that I can do about it.

Listening to other father's stories online makes me realize that I am not alone, but that doesn't make me feel better.. I see how it could actually be worse. I see how it could get worse. I see how fathers are treated in the ARizona court system and where I have been conflicted in the past as to if I have done the right things.. I am no longer conflicted. I did the right thing by coming to Oklahoma and starting a new life. I am not a bad person.. and I know that my boys are confused.. I know that there is a possiblity that they grow up to be just like the people that are raising them right now.. they could be just like her. I hope not, but she got to be the way she is, becuase of her parents.. and they live in the same house as the boys. How would I feel if I fought and fought for the next 8 years... only to be shunned by the two boys that I love.. who knows.. they may blame me for all of their mother's problems.. I know that she will never accept responsibility for her actions. I have given the boys my love..

I know that we had a great time this summer and because I forced my ex wife to say 3 times that she will let the boys come in October.. that I am pretty sure they will be here.. she is going to be working on them.. constantly.. she will try to make that time together a terrible time.

Me.. I will still be me. I will not stoop to her level.. never.

I will live the rest of my life with no regrets.. I know that I made mistakes in the past.. married the wrong person.. and because of that, I lost almost 15 years of my life.

I think that is why I feel younger than I really am.. I feel like I have started over.. and will forget that time before.

In a perfect world.. I could talk to my ex wife and work things out.. but this is a far from perfect world..

on the other hand.. I do have a perfect world.. and that is with M.. she loves me.. and how she puts up with all of this.. I do not understand..

I will show her all of my love and give her all of my love..

I want to tell her that I am sorry.. over and over.... for things that have caused our life together to be difficult... things that I can never go back and change.

I realized today.. that I don't want to be saying that i am sorry that I fought and fought a wasted battle for 8 years someday.

At this point.. the boys will love me becuase they know who I am.. and they know that I have tried.. or they will go the other way.

I hope that it is the first.. but it is possible that it could be the latter. I won't worry about that anymore.. instead, I will be concentrating on the life that I do have.

and live the life that I can lead.