why

Why?

Guru asks a good question... what the hell did I ever see in that woman?

Well, I should really write a book someday. (if you read all of this.. it will feel like a book)

You see, when I was young, I was extremely shy and I had gone to so many schools. I never really went out on dates in high school, I went to the prom because a girl asked me... shy doesn't really begin to describe the way I was. So, when I went to college and started going out to bars.. I really was super naive. I had fun.. I loved to dance, I guess I had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing serious.. nothing at all. One night, I met my ex wife. She seemed nice, and she invited me to her parents for dinner.. they are con artists.. looking back, I was taken in by some really sick people. They turned me against my family and my ex wife found out all of my weaknesses my scars and she found a way to make me feel as if I was the scum of the earth.. she had this way of making me feel very bad about myself... I was 23 years old.. and she would alternately be nice to me and then make me feel as if my life didn't matter at all.. that if I left her, nobody would want me. Think of it like this.. why does an abused woman stay with that son of a bitch that hits her? Well, she thinks, she deserves it... if there was ever a man that understands what it feels like to be abused.. it was me... although my ex wifes abuse was mental, not physical.

The next question is.. why did it take so long for you to figure out that she was a psycho bitch from hell? and... more importantly, why did you ever have children with her?

Looking back, these are two very good questions. The day that I was married, I remember just before I said "I do" that I wished that I wasn't. The day after we were married, my ex wife told me that her parents didn't really pay for the wedding and she yelled at me.. she told me that I owed them because they took me in.. I had no clue what was going on.. I knew it was wrong, but I started to feel that she was right.. that I was always wrong...always... The only place that I felt good about myself was at work... and I got promoted and promoted because I worked hard and long hours and eventually (2 years after marriage) I took a job in which I travelled.. Monday through Thursday, Every day of the week. I have been to 48 states.. I have been to every little town.. and.. the best part.. I only had to put up with that evil ex wife of mine for 3 days a week.. of which one of them.. she worked.. My free time.. my Saturdays... the day I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, did the laundry and whatever else I felt that I should do... when my ex wife came home, she would chastise me for doing it wrong.. if I didn't get all the laundry done, she would yell at me for being lazy and tell me that she had to take care of the house while I wasn't there during the week and that I should be making up for it on the weekend.. not watching tv or going to the pool or visiting my family...

AFter 7 years of marriage.. my ex wife was pregnant... I think she started to realize that I couldn't take much more.. that I probably would leave her or kill myself.. one or the other. and now... she was pregnant... Alex was born and if you can believe it.. it got worse for me... because now she knew that I was going nowhere... I loved Alex and took care of him like a Mom and a Dad.. I woke up in the middle of the night and fed him, she would get mad if I woke her up... I started to travel less. but I still did EVERYTHING around the house... why?? becuase I avoided a fight at all costs.. if we fought.. she would take our her knife of evil words and stab me in one of those scars that I had emotionally and dig it in just enough to make me writhe on the floor and beg for her to stop.. it was abuse, but she never hit me. Then... one day after a trip... my ex wife told me that we were going to dinner at her parents house. Afte dinner, her father told me that we needed to talk.. he said that there was bad news... and then he told me that our house had been foreclosed on!!!! I said... "what???, well we'll just sell it.. or do something else!" NO, we had to vacate the house by the next weekend... they...

They.. had already been to court and we had lost the house. I called my father and mother and told them.. I had to go on a business trip the next week and I told my coworker.. who later became my best friend. I was ready to divorce her that day.. I couldn't believe the deciept... just a week earlier I noticed someone at our door and she told me that it was nothing.. I asked her if everything was ok and she told me.... "CAN'T YOU JUST TRUST ME?? I AM TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING!!' Meaning that she had taken care of the bills.. but no.. she was already in court and our house was already auctioned off.. they just didn't tell me until after.... after I had gotten permission to use my mother's condo in california for the next weekend... they still wanted to go on a vacation.. even though we had no home.

I spoke to my father and he told me that my ex father in law had contacted him... and asked fo $10,000 but that he couldn't tell me about it, because I would be upset. My father told him to go screw himself that if he didn't tell me then he wasn't going to do anything.. The truth was.. that only about $6000 was needed to keep us out of foreclosure.. so where was that other $4000 going? My ex wife.. told me that my father was lying.. that he was a bastard that he made it up...

I decided against a divorce.. because my son Alex was only 1 year old.. my ex wife told me that if I divorced her.. then she would marry someone else and Alex would not be my son anymore.. I agreed to go to counseling and for awhile.. I had things under control.. I got our finances in order.. I worked my ass off.. we rented a house and paid an extremely high interest rate for a good car... for her.. while I drove a 1971 VW beetle...things were getting a little better and then.. she was pregnant again.. I don't know how, we hardly ever had sex. I don't think aobut that.

Andy was born, and the cycle continued... she started to sneak away money to give to her loser parents.. those scum have lost 3 houses.. 1 to foreclosure and they have been evicted 2 more times... the last time they moved in with my ex wife.. my ex father in law now owns my old house. The house that I saved for.. the house that my mother let me borrow $15,000 for a down paymetn on...

I know.. if you are still reading you are saying.. "What the hell is wrong with your Chris? Why would you put up with that family" My entire life was my two boys... Alex and Andy... I would come home and feed them.. I would take them on walks, to the pool, or watch TV with them... I would put them to sleep at night, I changed their diapers.. I did it all.. I loved being a Dad.

Then, one night.. I was on the road again.. although I didn't travel as much.. I was going to regional meetings for work. And.. I was in this chat room, talking to 30 something people on AOL.. just making little cracks back and forth, trying to kill time in my hotel room.. and I met someone.. that was in her 20s... she was funny and she thought I was too.

We talked all night long and at the end of the night.. she gave me her work number and asked me to call her and leave her a message on her phone so she could hear my voice and so I could know for sure that she was real too.

I called and left my message.. even though I was very nervous about it.

We didn't talk for another month.

Then I was on the road again, and she saw me in a chat room.. she said "where have you been?" and we talked again, each night via aol and I called her on the phone and we talked.. I was so goofy.. I was talking to this girl.. it wasn't romantic, it was friendly and fun.. I had made a friend.. and yes.. i was very much attracted to her. Well, I told her my story.. and little by little, she made me feel good about myself.. made me think that I didn't deserve all this crap that this bitch was putting me through. I spent time with my boys and enjoyed it.... and by the way.. after Andy was born.. There was no more sex with my ex wife.. she didn't want it.. not for 3 years. Sure.. we all know now that she is a lesbian.. Anyway, I continued to talk to this girl that lives in Detroit and she opened my eyes to just how pathetic my life had become.. (It took 14 years)

Well, one day... I told my ex wife.. that I was taking the day off from work because Alex was having a carnival at his pre school.. she angrily said to me, "well, who is going to watch Andy?" I told her that I would gladly take care of the boys.. Friday was her normal day off and she wanted to shopping.. I told her that she could still go.. I would watch the boys. She left that morning and Alex and I were playing with legos on the floor when she stormed back in the house... she said to me that her check (which is normally automatically deposited, had not been deposited) I didn't believe her, I knew that she probably had overdrawn her checking account so much that her check didn't even cover the back amount that was due... so.. she yelled at me that she couldn't go shopping today... so she needed some money. I went to the bank.. to my account and withdrew $80 and went home... I put the money on the counter and went back to playing with Alex.. she came back downstairs and yelled "is this all you can do? $80!!?" i told her that was it.. and that she needed to pay the bills with her check when it DID come through" she went off in a huff.. I asked her as she was leaving.. when she would be coming back and she said

"I may never come back"

and.. because I was feeling more powerful since having met my new friend.. I said to myself.. "that would be the best thing in the world"

I should have changed the locks on the doors, taken the boys to another state and filed for divorce.. I should have sold everything in the house and including the house and split everything up.. but.. when she came back.. I told her that I wanted a divorce. She didn't believe me.. she tried her tricks on me.. tried to make me feel bad.. through her daggers into me.. but they didn't stick this time.. I told her that i was serious and that I was done.. that it wasn't good for these two boys to have parents that hated each other. Then, I packed up the boys and went to the carnival. She showed up and took Andy away.. plotting already what she was going to do.

I hadn't told anyone of my plans for a divorce.. I really had no plans.. but I had made up my mind.

so... that night.. we talked.. more and more she realized that I was serious and at 2am, she ran into the boys room and woke up Alex and Andy.. she carried Andy into the car.. and I called the police.. they came out.. but it was too late.. she had left with the boys. I tried to stop her, but I only tried to block her from leaving and she hit me over and over and over.. so I waited for the police.. the first visit to the house.. they said there was nothing that they could do.

I'll never forget what she said as she was leaving the house...

She said "you finally figured out how to play the game" smiling as she shoved two crying little boys into their car seats.

Game? to her it is all a game.. because she is a sociopath...

They went to her parents house.. I called my family..

She called my mother and had my mother call me and yell at me.. telling me it was all my fault.. she is very manipulitive.

Then I told my mother and my father everything.. all the secrets of how terrible my life was.. all the lies that I felt that I had to tell them because I had to keep the peace...I told my mother that my ex wife had sold my sister's silverware set.. the one that my mother gave to my ex wife becuase my sister had died in a car crash.

I was all alone in the house..

I should have put it up for sale.. changed the locks and never let my ex wife back in.. but after two weeks.. she begged to come back and I wanted to see the boys.

We went to a counselor.. the counselor told us that One of us needs to file the papers for the divorce and she looked at me and told me "you need to save yourself" and she told my ex wife.. "you will never understand, but Chris needs to do this for himself"

I got a lawyer, filed the papers and moved out of the house.

I went back the next day to get a few more things that I had forgotten adn the locks had already been changed.

I was able to get a few of my momentoes because I still had a garage door opener,but that was changed too after the next day.

The judge that I had.. NEVER responded to ANYTHING... I didn't see my children for 4 months.. no temporary orders.. nothing..

Eventually, my lawyer said that I should work something out.. agree to joint custody since I didn't have a place to live.. because I travelled all the time... he said that I should accept joint custody.

I wanted to see my boys.. so I agreed.. I also agreed to an incredibly high amount of child support and to give her the house.. and car...

Yes.. I gave it all away.. but I wanted to see my boys.

The original judge that I had was eventually dismissed from the bench for not handling cases promptly.

I went back to court, filed motion after motion.. spent $30,000 on lawyers.. and was told by my current judge.. that "He is not inclined to change custody in this case"


Fast forward to now..

Nothing has changed.. if anything my ex wife is more psychotic than ever.. maybe it is because she is being tested for drugs every week now.. maybe she is having withdrawals.. maybe pot was the only thing that go her through her days.. becuase how can someone live like that.. so full of hate.

So..

Why did I marry the evil bitch??? my only excuse is naivety and stupidity

Why did I stay so long? My boys.. and again.. stupidity.

That's about it