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I have been down lately

On Saturday morning, I went for a very long bike ride... at least it seemed long to me. I took my bike south, into the agriculutral fields that are only a couple of miles away. It reminded me of when I was 12-15 years old and would ride my bike for the entire day. I would bring a soda and stop under a big tree. I had baskets on my 3 speed raliegh bike, becuase I was also a paperboy and I would pick up aluminum cans along the way and redeem them for cash at the end of the month. I would spend these entire days alone. I never once thought that it was strange that I didn't hang out with friends, no.. I didn't mind being alone. This Saturday, I saw aluminum cans, but didn't stop.. I thought about how far I was going and that I shouldn't be gone all day... I saw a red tailed hawk swoop down and pick up a field mouse and then a few minutes later I saw that same hawk in a big tree, eating his lunch. I stopped and took a drink of water as the hawk flew away.

I have been depressed and thought that a long hard bike ride would make me feel better, instead, it brought back memories. I wonder what Alex and Andy's memories will be. I am sure that they are like me and will savour those special moments... for me.. I hardly remember the bad moments, somehow I have blocked them out. My sister and I think that it is strange that we can't remember eating together as a family for about 4 years of our lives.. but eating together was a stressful time in my family... there usually was a fight.

So, I was reminded of thosed days.. those lonely bike rides in the heat.. the roads looked similar.. although it was much greener here in Oklahoma, it was all agricultural land. Now those roads in Arizona are four lane roads and would be dangerous to ride a bike on, but back then, they were 2 lane roads and once in awhile a truck would go by.. just like my ride on Saturday.

I still can do my job well.. I haven't been that great of a husband... and at times I don't even feel like a Dad at all. I haven't called the boys since last week. I made my complaint to the court and will wait.. no use putting the boys through more pain of having to tell me that they hate me... to please their mother and grandmother.

I don't sleep well anymore.

I am so lucky to have such a beautiful and loving wife that puts up with me.