Just letting go

I have had a few difficult days lately. I have been struggling inside because I want more than I have. My friend Listener reminded me that I just have to put aside all the things that surround me and just concentrate on the time that I do have with the boys and to do my best. That is what I will do. I will see them on Wednesday night and introduce them to the new doggie... that still doesn't have a name. Thank you for all your suggestions, but when I call it out.. it just doesn't stick. You know? So, I am still trying to find a name.

I am feeling a little better. I have made some decisions about some things and I do look forward to having dinner with the boys on Wed.

I have to say that it is easy to hate and it can consume you. I try to build my life around something else... having lived with someone that hates something everyday,,, having had to deal with anger when I didn't want it. I won't let it eat me up. I won't. I will do my best.

It is such an awful feeling, but I guess I can see how it can take over your life. I could work very hard at getting back at my ex wife.. I could try to make her suffer as much as me. That is my immediate feeling.. that is how I felt on Sunday.. I want the boys to be yelling at her.. "I WANT TO GO TO MY DAD'S... YOU BITCH!!!" I want them to be angry... but they won't be angry. They will feel sad that they missed a day with me.. Alex will only remember that he didn't have a birthday at Dad's house this year.. that's all.. maybe we can still have a little celebration.. but very late. I don't know.. The thing is.... you can call me a fool if you like.

I am a Christian, although I don't go to church every week anymore. I still pray and last night in my prayers.. I let the hate go, as hard as it can be sometimes. I feel better for it. Hate consumes you, little by little you become an ugly person like my ex wife. More hate and retaliation doesn't help. I am not in competition with her for my boys affections, I am just trying to be a father to them.