Happiness
This weekend I had a problem.. my sister's son. Matt, came down to spend the night with the boys.. during the big campout outside. I told them when they dropped him off that unless he doesn't feel well (he has bad asthma) that I really expect him to stay the entire night, (he has a problem with sleepovers,, he only has made it through the night at someone's house once and that was with the boys at my house because I refused to call his mother/my sister.. he cried, but was happy that he made it through the night, that time) I don't always agree with my sister.. and she called at 9pm... when all of the kids were snuggled into their sleeping bags ready for bed.. talking in the tents... then by the end of the phone call.. my nephew was crying that he wanted to go home. My brother in law was there to pick him up by 9:15pm and Andy burst into tears. The night that was going to be fun, turned into a crazy mess for a short while. Andy was yelling at Matt, calling him a wimp.. Matt was yelling back "My Mom wants me to come home!" oh well.. I just held Andy and then we all went out to the tent together. The boys fell asleep quickly, which surprised me. I however, stayed up most of the night, listening to the sounds of the night in my very quiet neighborhood. The faint sound of a TV, the jets flying overheard, the distant traffic noise, until all was quiet and the light from the moon lit up the tent. I eventually nodded off to sleep, but woke up early and waited for the boys to wake up... I was cold, and they were snug in their sleeping bags.. I'll have to get a sleeping bag myself one of these days.

I didn't see my fiancée, the entire weekend. She stayed at her house.. I am too busy with the boys and she has things to do there..... at least.. that is the reason we both live with for now... I worry about how everything is going to mix together when she is her full time, how will the boys react, how will she react? Well, I'll just have to see what happens when that happens. It scares me sometimes... so much so that I just keep everyone apart. When I am with the boys, I miss my fiancée.. and when I am with her.. I miss the boys.. I want everything to be together.. my entire life to fit..

I will however take my happiness as it has come to me. It's not in bits and pieces.. it's incredible huge chunks of happiness... I am thankful and I won't complain that I can't have everything, all the time.. I'll just hope for the best. No reason to crush everything together, but I know that when my father or mother ask me.. "where is ______(insert fiancée's name)?" they really are wondering if she ever does anything with the boys. The truth... she really doesn't.. she doesn't know how to deal with an 8 and 10 year old.. and of course, they have their moments of hostility.. I am used to it, but then again, I am used to so much that I don't realize when things could bother someone else. I have been working with the boys.. pretending to myself that my fiancée is there with me during the weekends. That she is in the other room. I ask the boys to keep it down or not to run through the house with grassy feet.. I guess I haven't done enough of that. My house has been a playroom.. but it has been getting better.. slowly, they are learning to pick up after themselves. Sure, it used to be playhouse Dad.. I'll admit it. It makes things harder on me now.. breaking some bad habits. Now, we eat at the table and they go to sleep on time... they pick up their clothes... sometimes and they try to make their beds. The place was a mess on Monday morning, but by the afternoon, it was back to normal. How would my fiancée... my future wife react to that weekend? I don't know.. What would I do? Would I sleep outside in the tent with the boys when she was in the house by herself? I know that she tries to understand that I only see them for a short while..

I have to find a way so everyone can be together, without stress.. without forcing things..