one dimensional

One dimensional

There are different parts of me, but it does seem that the majority of my emotions revolve around my boys. What happens when things go bad and how it effects me. That seems to be the story of my life.... living from one moment to the next when I see them. All the bad things that happen in between and the rare nice thing, like the few letters that I got from Alex.

It isn't fair to my wife to have to go through all of this. Yesterday, I had a strange feeling in my left leg and in my arm. It was a tingly, numb sort of feeling. I didn't know if it was caused by nerve strain or maybe the precursor to a heart attack. That wouldn't be fair... living my life this way. I need to do something about it. I need to change. I love my boys.. and I must do something so i can sleep at night..not have bad dreams about Alex. The problem is, I always feel that there must be something else that I could be doing to help the boys. I don't know if I can.... help.

Everytime my family calls me or I call them... they ask about the boy... "have you heard from the boys?" "anything new?" I know that they care, but I almost want to tell them that I don't want to talk about it... I don't want to make that struggle into my life.

I am saying this here, because... if I said it out loud, I would feel guilty.. selfish. I must start thinking about how I will better take care of my life.

It is hard... I love my boys and of course, I don't want to forget them. It's just that it consumes me.... it isn't good to be consumed by something that you can't do anything about.