man oh man

That just stopped my heart
This morning, I went to see the boys. As I was walking up to Alex's classroom, Alex saw me... and he ran away. He knew it was me.. that is why he ran. I tried to follow him out to the playground, but he ran further away. I went over to Andy's class... scared that the same would happen, but I couldn't find him.

I went back to wait for Alex's class to start... and I talked to his teacher. She explained what had happened. During a recent parent/teacher conference, my ex wife asked Alex's teacher how he was doing.. she said that he is doing very welll this quarter and of course my ex wife asked if she thought it was because I was out of town. Alex's teacher said... that she told my ex wife that the reason she felt he was doing so well, was because he had a good communication with his father. She told my ex wife about the letters... something that she regrets now. My ex wife then went to complain to the school board and threatened lawsuits... the principle called Alex's teacher in and asked her about it. She said that she still will pass the letters on, but that she must read them first and she can only give them to him at the end of the school day.. I am sure that his mother will ask him if he got a letter now.. and she will take it away from him. The teacher was upset and saw how my ex wife is.. and how she really doesn't want Alex to have any contact with me.. she knows that it is better for Alex so she said.. "he will still get the letters and he will still read them"

I waited until Alex had to come by.. he stood away from me.. scared to death.. so scared... I went over and held him.. he was stiff as a board.. telling me that he HAD to get into class.. the teacher looked over at us and I let Alex go.

We went over to Andy's class and Andy seemed happy to see me.. class had started, so there wasn't much he could do... I just told him that I loved him. Andy was better.. not as nervous.

Poor Alex.. he must have really really got in trouble... I probably won't be getting any more letters from him.. I hope that I do.. but I doubt he will take the chance again...

I really wish that I had good news.. I was looking forward to seeing the boys. Alex was so happy last time I saw him, he seemed so well adjusted. My mother came with me today and she said that he is going to need some psychological help. Even the teach told me that he is just afraid that somehow his mother may be watching him as I visited with him, that is why he is so afraid. It's terrible.

For me, the hard part is... for the next couple of months.. I probably will not have any contact with the boys and there will be one thing that I will remember.. just how afraid Alex was.. watching him go further and further out to the playground as he realized that it was really me. In a way, it makes me realize that I made the right choice to move. Being there, causes Alex pain... it's not my fault, it shouldn't be that way, but it is a fact.

I will write to school and to his house now.. I'll send two letters for every one that I was going to send. Alex's birthday is in a couple of weeks. I asked him what he wanted. He didn't say... but I know.. he just wants some peace.