where have I been ?

I apologize to those of you that check in regularly. I really appreciate it.

I have been so busy... Maybe I am pushing myself in my new job too much, but when I have an office day.. I have been working for 8 or 9 hours straight. I know that I don't have to.. as long as I get the job done. Last week, my boss was in town and he shadowed me for a few days. It all went well

I guess, I just haven't had the time or the thought to come here and update my blog. I have a few moments now, while my email from work downloads.

I really do love it here in Tulsa.. the weather has been great.. just enough rain and sunny days. The temperature is perfect.

I have to say that I miss the boys... something comes on tv and I remember Alex and how he likes Frank LLoyd Wright or when I see a show that Andy just loves. When I walk through Target and see the Halloween costumes and realize that I won't be seeing the boys..

In years past, I may have been taking the boys on the annual hayride for Halloween with my sister. I don't think this was my year with the boys anyway.. or maybe it was.

I find it hard to hide my melancholy at times.. and M knows it.. but she doesn't say anything.. she has told me that I am not the same.. and I guess that is true.

You cannot imagine the crazy dreams that I have.. last night I woke up screaming.. or gasping.. trying to scream. My dream involved going to the front door of my new house and peeking out to see who was at the door... I thought my mother had come over, but instead.. there were three huge women with dark black eyes.. you know.. like a vampire, no pupils.. they broke down the door and they must have been 9 feet tall each.. they were coming in the house for something. I woke up...

I know that things will get better.. I received an email from one of my ex wives freinds.. or maybe it was from her.. it told me how I really, really sucked.. what a bad person I was.. etc. etc... well, I just remembered all the times that my ex wife kept my boys from me.. now.. let her think that I don't want to see them.. it's so damn hard.. but I think it will be for the best.. let her think that I have forgotten them.. and she will come screaming at me to take them away.

I hope.. becuase.. there is no other option at this point . If my ex wife thought that I missed the boys.. she would do everything in her power to keep them away from me.

So, I have to be strong and I have to take care of M... I want her to be happy... it's so nice here.. I love my job..

things are ok.. I just may not be here to post as much as before.. I'll probably be back.. but I am taking a little break.

Love you all!