I too feel like a shadow passing through life

We saw "About Schmidt" last night.

Most of the people in the theater were much older than me.. but then again.. not all that much older. A myriad of emotions (don't you just love words like 'myriad'? they only get used now and then.. and then.. only when they go with other words.. like emotions)

Well, my emotions ran all over the place. I saw my father in Schmidt and I saw a bit of myself. Dear Ndugu..... let me tell you about... Chris..

Actually, this week I got a little letter from the boy that I sponsor, his name is Melchor and he lives in the Philippines. I put it in my bag... and haven't done anything about it. It's the second time that 'Save the Children" has asked me for some information about me.. to send on to the boy that I support. Maybe, I will write today.

I had thoughts about this blog. Somedays... like yesterday.. I fiddle around with it all day long, in between phone calls here at work. I could be working harder instead of doing this, but it keeps me sane. I need something else. I need a job that means something to me. However, time continues on. I don't look forward to coming to work each day. I should do something about it. I shouldn't just sit back and complain... until I am in my 60s... I guess that is a long way away.. because being in my 20s seems far away too. I have time to do something, but like so many.. my dreams of getting everything I want go back to winning the lottery. I want it all now.. and the only way I can really see that happening is by chance... which is pretty sad.

I woke up at 1:45am because the phone rang. I didn't get out of bed right away... and when I did, the answering machine picked up and they hung up. Wrong number? who knows, but I couldn't get right back to sleep. It reminded me of the call I got when my sister was killed and I just stayed awake for another hour ......wondering if someone else was going to call, maybe they just didn't want to leave bad news on the answering machine.. or they were calling someone else now. I don't like those thoughts. The other day I had a dream that the entire world was at war.. not just in Iraq.. we all feared bombs dropping on our heads and in my dream, my nightmare.. my boys had been killed and my father in law blamed me.. so I jumped over table and choked him.. almost to death. Dreams and calls in the middle of the night.. I have too much on my mind lately.

So.. today I am in a contemplative mood.

How will I feel in 20 years? What have I done with my life?

"For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?" Ecclesiastes 6

I do know that having a nice backyard and driving a nice car aren't going to answer those questions that I have.. that I am sure that many of us have. I know that I do make a difference in my children's life.. without me, they might have it easier, but they also could fall into a life of hate more easily. Maybe they will question a few things now and then. They are learning how to hate from their mother and my ex in laws.. but I will still fight to give them a different point of view.

I can't let each day just pass by as easily anymore. I need to find something else.. some way that I can be of use in this life. Or.. should I say... more of use.. to do something else.

I know that I am not alone with these emotions... I do believe that many people attend anti war demonstrations, not because they are informed about the possibility of war, but because they want to do something.. they want to be involved, they/we want to make a difference and not to be shadows in life.

I do think that we can, we can each day. But... like Schmidt.. a couple of weeks turns into a month and then a year and then...

I know that some of you are volunteers in your communities and that there are organizations that need help If you know of one.. or if you know of an organization that can point me towards a way to help others.. let me know. I just don't know where to start.. but I want to.