can't sleep

I can't sleep
 
I put my head down on the pillow and as usual, I think about the day.. and I just can't help thinking about how much the boys are enjoying themselves.. and what would it be like if they lived her full time.   You know, all the time that I was hoping and praying that the boys would come to visit, I thought about what it would be like.  I thought of what could go wrong, how they may not like it at all... instead, the really love it here.  Both Andy and Alex have already made friends, they have met nice kids that like to talk and play games with them.  I see how much fun they have just riding their bikes.. I have never seen Alex so comfortable riding around.  He is getting more exercise than he ever has.  This weekend Andy has an opportunity to go camping with one of his new friends.  It is our last weekend together and in a way, I hope he changes his mind. I had some fun stuff planned for us.. Going to the zoo, the water park and maybe catching a baseball game.  I know sometimes I try to cram too much into the days together, but hey there are only a few days left.
 
That is why I can't sleep, it's that few days left part.  Knowing that in a week, I will put the boys bikes away and they won't move for months, and all the toys and the playstation and I will be left with some photos and memories.  
 
It's just that I am a dreamer... I dreamed of how it would be when the boys were here.. in my dreams they went to school and rode their bikes and had lot's of friends and in the winter they would play in the snow and... well when they aren't here I dreamed of what it would be like... to be a family here.  For 4 weeks I have lived a little bit of that dream.  Of course, it is a summer dream, no homework and no school, but I can see it happening.. everything that I thought would.  I can see how strong and happy the boys would be, I can see Alex talking about kids stuff instead of adult stuff and Andy being a boy that has friends.. then reality cuts me in two.  In one week, the boys will go back to their mothers... for the rest of the summer, Alex will be with his grandmother.  he won't be visiting friends, because he doesn't have any, there are no kids in the neighborhood that they live in.  Andy tells me about the one time he visited his friend, the one time.  Andy will go back to playing playstation for the rest of the summer and Alex will, well... I hope Alex will find something to do other than watch cooking shows and Fox news with his grandmother. 
 
I wish there was really a way to get the boys to come stay with me full time.  I know that from all that I have said here in my blog.. people would think that I have a case against my ex wife, but I know how the courts are.  I know that I got the boys, because it was reasonable for the judge to give them to me.  I didn't ask for anything unreasonable.  If I were to ask for full custody, I would have to prove that she is truly unfit.. believe me.. that will be hard.  In Arizona, you could be addicted to crack and not lose your kids, parents petition for visitation in jail and win.  Just missing the boys and saying that they will have a better life isn't enough.  I know that sounds defeatist, and I guess it is. 
 
I know what else will happen in the coming weeks... my ex wife will discount and try to tear up all the good things that have happened in the past 4 weeks and next week to come.  She will make fun of the people and do her best to brainwash the boys, she'll even have them saying bad things about what they did.. the next time that I see them, the boys will lecture me about things that they should and shouldn't do.  From the photos, you may see that both of the boys need haircuts badly.  Their grandmother cuts their hair.  In the past, I took the boys to get haircuts and they were told that they looked ugly... and that it was their hair and they should tell me that I couldn't have it cut without their permission.  It all goes back to one year when Andy asked me to get his hair cut like his cousin and I gave him a buzz cut and got one myself.  He loved it.. he said he would always want his hair like that.. then he went back to his mother and the next time I saw him he told me that I was wrong for cutting his hair.  I reminded him that he begged me to do it.. but that didn't matter.
 
The boys are older now, but still Andy is only 9 years old.  In the past week, they haven't been as negative about things... they haven't constantly complained about other people.. they are starting to find good in things.
 
Now, my hopes and prayers are that some of what I am trying to teach them about life... sticks.
 
I hope that they will realize that criticism of others and other things, doesn't make them better and it doesn't make them feel very good either.  It's better to look for the good, rather than the bad. 
 
I also know, that for the next 3 months.. they will have nothing but a different example.