My wounds have scars, and the pain is only on the inside now

I didn't get the boys this weekend. I normally pick them up at 5:30pm on Friday and my fiancée came with me to see that there was nobody. My ex told me that I should come by and pick them up at 6:30pm on Saturday, but I didn't. I am sure that some would say... some time is better than no time, but.... this weekend was going to be the time that I celebrated Alex's birthday. She.. the evil bitch took that away from him... she took away his cake that I had ordered for Saturday and she took away his time with his family over here. She took away him opening presents. I have begun to realize that as time goes on, the boys are going to have to make a choice to stand up to their mother.. not me, they will have to tell her that they want to see me. We always say.. Don’t put the kids in the middle.. but I can see that they will have to make some decisions. Sure, everyone will agree that when they are adults, they will look back and see what horrible things their mother has done. For now.. as long as they go along with what their mother says.. even if it hurts them inside.. this is what is going to happen.

I now will file a court order for a hearing. I will present my case, if I ever have the chance to.. and ask the judge to do something.

Why didn't I go to pick up the boys on Saturday? Would you have, if you were in my shoes? What will I say when she tells the judge that I came by on Saturday and picked them up? What is best for the boys? I think that they will have to experience a little bit of the hurt that their mother gives out.. I am sorry.. but no more Mr. Nice guy. They Must see what their mother does...and if they don't care.. or if they really don't feel that they missed something. Maybe it is time for them to stay with her all the time. It's hard for me. It's hard to constantly fight to prove that I am a good dad.. to constantly fight to prove my love to my boys. They see me 2 weekends a month and every Wed. for dinner. Why are there boxes and boxes of toys over here?

I am hurting inside, but trying very hard not to show it on the outside.... because I have had a nice weekend. My fiancée, helped me so much.. we started working around the house.. making it nice. We took the dog for some nice long walks, and she took me out to dinner last night. I don't want to be melancholy around her, because she makes me happy. I miss my boys. I was looking forward to this weekend.. to every weekend with them. I just am not going to come running to accept whatever deal she has because she has something else planned. My mother tells me to just let it go.. let her have the boys for a few months and see what happens. She is probably right.. make my ex wife believe that I don't want the boys around and she will throw them at me.. she'll have me taking them all the time so she can get her way. It's all about control with my ex wife.. she is truly evil.

It's a strange mix of emotions... to have a nice weekend and to feel hurt on the inside.. to have my mind on my boys. Are they thinking about me? Do they miss me? What will they say on Wed. night?

My guess is.. they will say... "I don't want to talk about it Dad" and Alex will just not have a birthday party at my house.