Stressed is just Desserts spelled backwards

Yesterday, I had one of those headaches that starts somewhere in your back and moves up your neck right behind the eyes and then throbs on the left side of your brain. Stress is what it is and I guess I need some Stress management techniques. I have been stressed because I feel at a loss in my career. I am at a complete loss of what to do. I just keep doing what I am doing now. I should be thankful, I have a good job but it is nothing in comparision with the jobs I have had in the past. I don't really want to look at my friends and their careers, their houses, their cars. I know, I shouldn't compare. I shouldn't but I do.

So I am looking to make a change, something new.. but I guess I need to take a career test to determine what my career should be. Shouldn't I already know? Shouldn't I be saving for retirement? For my boys college education? I shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. I shouldn't have to stress over the fact that I can't really afford a nice ring for my girlfriend.. I shouldn't stress that I feel as if I have gone backwards and that there are times like right now that I just want to do nothing at all. I want a simple life, one without too many cares. I want to be able to save money. I want to have something to fall back on. I don't like living on the edge, driving a car with too many miles on it. I have no credit. I can't even get a cellphone. My credit has been ruined for the next few years.

I am happy most of the time, except when I think of the future and what I would like and what I will have. My girlfriend loves me.. she doesn't want me to be stressed, she tells me that it doesn't matter.

But today, I can already feel that pain starting just below my shoulder blades and I am trying to relax.. but it's like a knife or a needle being stuck in and I can reach back and pull it out.

Ok, sorry... sometimes I vent my feelings. It is not really that bad. I just need a change, but I don't know what to change to.

When I was married and travelling all over the country, I used to think about what it would be like to live somewhere else. What if I hadn't gotten married? What would I have done differently? When I got divorced, I guess I thought that someday I could go to live somewhere else. Arizona is nice, but I never thought that I would stay here the rest of my life. Now, I will stay because of my boys. I want to move somewhere else at times. I want to look for jobs in other states. I feel guilt in those feelings, what would my boys do if I wasn't here? I feel that they would eventually lose faith in me. They would want to get to know me when they are older, or maybe they will blame me for any and all challenges they have, because that is what their mother will do. Right now, I pretty much stay out of thier life and they have nother life with me. I somehow feel defeated because I haven't tried to talk to the teachers yet. After 3 years, I have only seen the boys report cards twice. One teacher understood, but even she had a hard time remembering.

I will see the boys tonight, and I know Andy will say that it is not enough time. He will ask me when he will see me again. I know I have to stay here in Arizona.

Just thinking out loud.. that's all... just ignore me :)