cold

It is cold in Tulsa today!!

M started her new job and I feel strange.. working at the house alone. I took today as an Admin day and it is 2pm and I have been sitting here in my office working on things all day. I guess it will be different now that M is working. when I come home early... I will just work on paperwork and get things done ahead of time. It will leave me with more free time towards the end of each week. The rest of the week will be a busy one for me.

I'll be going to visit some of my properties in this area and in Oklahoma City. I love my job, and it feels strange to be away from it for a couple of weeks. I need to get back into the swing of things.

I feel a sense of nervousness... anxiety. I once was diagnosed with GAD which is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. You know that feeling when you feel out of control.. when you start to worry about something and you build it up inside.. you are sure that whatever is going to happen.. well that your worst fears will come true? Well that was me... always.. I could come up with so many scenarios of what bad things were going to happen. I went to a therapist for help.. not for that.. but that is what I got help for.

My therapist told me... "Chris, you can say something to yourself three times in a row and it will feel like it is true..." and he was right. I could do that. So, I tried to learn how to say good things... positive things to myself. I guess my anxiety today is about work.. becuase I don't feel that I have done enough.. it will go away as soon as I get back out there and I needed today to set things up for the rest of the month. Now I am scheduled through February, which is good. I know that I do a good job.. no.. a great job at work... so I don't need to worry.

Everyone around me got sick... when I went back to Arizona.. everyone had been or was sick at the time... the flu bug. I told myself that I wasn't going to get sick.. that I would be healthy and strong. It has worked so far. This weekend M got the flu.. she was not feeling well. I cleaned the house and took care of her and tried hard not to get sick.. not to feel bad. There were a few moments that I felt the flu coming on.. sniffly nose... scratchy throat, but I told myself... I am healthy and strong and it will go away. It did.

How much do you believe in the power of positive thinking?

I really believe in it... or more so.. I believe in the power of negative thinking... if you think to yourself that something bad is going to happen... it probably will.. you'll make it happen. You can will yourself to get sick to... not that M did that.. she just got sick.. maybe we went out too much.. she may have caught it while we were shopping recently.

I once got into a heated discussion with my ex girlfriend.... she had severe depression.. and she believed that she had a chemical inbalance... she had to take medicine, but it didn't help. The more I learned about her, the more I realized that there were other issues in her life that she never dealt with. The medicine may have been a help.. it may have masked how she really felt... made her feel better. What happens to someone that is happy that takes anti depressent medicine? Do they get happier??? never get depressed? I wonder.

Anyway, time alone makes me think too much... so, I need to make sure that those thoughts are positive. If you haven't thought of a new year's resolution, try not to think negatively... it's a good one to work on.

Count how many times in a day that you catch yourself with negative thoughts. Just saying this here is helping me. It helps me to realize that everything is ok.

I will never forget something else that my therapist told me.... at the time, I felt that it was one of the goofiest things. He made me write this down.

"I don't like the way that I feel right now, but I am entitled to feel bad.. and I will feel better" He told me to say it to myself 3 times when I was feeling really anxious. I don't tell too many people this.. (only the entire world that reads my blog:) becuase I feel weird.. and no, I don't say it out loud. I just say it to myself and I feel better...

yes.. just by saying that I will feel better.. I feel better.. how crazy is that?

It's like a hangover... you feel terrible.. and in my past, I have had several hangovers... after nights of fun and partying.... you lay in bed wondering if you are going to survive... but in the back of your mind you know.. you will feel better.. you'll start to feel better throughout the day... and by nightfall, you may even be able to stand up :) The next day, you feel like incredible and thankful for the fact that you can go out in the sunlight and not feel your brain pounding inside of your skull. You feel better..

I don't drink at all anymore.. gave it up because I don't recoup the way I used to... so it's not worth the pain the next day.. now I am such a lightweight that if I have a couple glasses of wine, I get a headache.. so I just stay away from it alltogether.

Anyway, life is like that... sometimes.. we get these hangovers once in awhile.. a bad day and the good thing is.. we know it is going to be better.. but.. sometimes we forget.

I forget, I forget when things go bad that they won't be bad forever.

and... the thing is...

it really isn't that bad at all.. it's all pretty good.

today is much better than it was in the past!