Still in Dallas

Well, for the past couple of days, I was with out my computer. Now, it seems as if I am able to get into my high speed internet.. which is good!

I felt very lonely during the past couple of days. Of course, I miss my M and the boys.. and my family sometimes.. but it is different when I am on the road alone. I find things to do. This trip was to a regional meeting for all the people that do what I do... about 90 of us. I know that I tend to overthink things. I mean, sure.. I should go out and make friend with some of these people.. take them up on their offer to go out after dinner or sit with them during the workshops. I don't... well.. maybe I sit with them.. but I don't really converse that much. I used to be much more outgoing. Maybe this happens as you get older. You look around at everyone.. and those that are going out to party and it's not that I am tired, it's just that I am not interested. I don't think that I will be making any more friends in real life. I have no interest in it. In a way, I feel bad for M... I know that the misses her friends.. and here she is with someone that is fine with just a few people around. I don't need to be near my friends. I missed my friends online. Is that silly? I missed reading about what is happeing with them. I missed writing.. knowing that I write for myself, but also.. I have this desire to tell my story. Like a lot of us.

Tonight, we are going to Nikita... a hip and trendy bar in Dallas. 72 different kinds of Vodka... and hot babes. It should be fun.. maybe I am just being melodramatic today. Mr. Drama :)

This morning, I wrote each of the boys a little letter. I can't wait to get home to see if there are any letters waiting for me.

30 minutes until I have to meet everyone downstairs.

I have a question...

Should I call the boys... and just let the phone ring? My ex wife will not let me talk to them. Should I stop calling? It does hurt me... believe it or not.. I sit and wait.. listening to those rings, hoping that the boys will pick up. I hope...

Here is what... I am wondering... Is that a good thing? I mean, the boys know that they are not going to talk to me.. my guess is that they don't just ... not answer... my calls.. .they probably aren't answering a lot of calls. But.... my ex.. knows that it is me... that is why they pick up and hang up... seeing my number on the machine... so.. she knows that I still care.. and she can exact a little bit more pain on me.. with her stupid little game.

Now.. if I didn't call.... what would happen? and... I am sorry that this is all that I write about...

Today, in one of our meetings... we talked about mentoring... and there was this part about being a good counselor...

I thought about my blog... my blog is my counselor... I used to go to a full fledged shrink... and he wasn't there to make me feel better.. he made me think about things.. come to my own conclusions on my own.. sort of directed me to think of certain things.. how they made me feel. So, I missed this part of my day... I missed coming to my blog.. my electronic counselor.

I don't really expect comments, but I do like them, but I also know that I only write for myself now.

For the past few days I have left the radio on , in the hotel room. It's not your average radio, it is a very good one.. and I found a classical station. When I leave the room.. I turn it on... and it's nice to come back to the room with those classical notes, gently welcoming me. I don't turn the TV on right away... the TV isn't on right now. I have a nice view of Downtown Dallas.

I guess I am full of random thoughts... I don't have a very high opinion of myself right now. I still like my job.. love it at times.. but one of the things that I have to do is write a personal development plan for the next year. My problem is... I have already climbed the ladder of success.. and slipped down during the last few years.. I have given my career a lot of thought.. and one thing I have realized is that I don't really want to be vice president of the company... I don't really want to be a director at this point.. maybe things will change. I would love more money. Right now.. I don't think that my job defines me as a person at all.. it's just what I do... but I don't think I can put that in a personal development report. I am good at what I do... really good.. at least I think so. Part of our development plan is an assessment that only we see. It is called a 360degree assessment. You may be familiar with it... your peers rate you, your manager rates you.. you rate your self and your customers rate you. My manager rated me lower than I rated myself.. in some cases.. much lower. I wasn't surprised really.. it's all about perception and since I am new, he just doesn't know me that well... I am not really bothered by it... the points that were low.. had to do with caring about the points being low :)

:) I had to smile again... because what it is saying is that I am not striving to move up the career ladder.. and that is true.

well.. it's almost time for dinner... off to meet the Russians of Dallas... I forgot my all black ensemble... which I am sure others will be wearing.. it's sort of a trendy California thing.... I think :) I am wearing a nice red sweater, a t shirt underneath.. my jeans that have been fitting better since I started eating differently.. and my black tommy hilfiger shoes.