It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas
It’s lunchtime and I really don’t want another salad today. So… today, I am at Starbucks in Utica Square. Utica Square is the nice mall in Tulsa. Located in an area that is surrounded by big estates. This is where you’ll find Nieman Marcus(Needless Markup) Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware and a number of upscale clothing shops.. etc. etc. it’s nice here. I love the big trees and the smell of the leaves on the ground, although they make me sneeze sometimes. Starbucks is playing some old Christmas music. I guess I will be forever zapped by memories. You know how you feel after you break up with someone and songs remind you of that person? For awhile, it hurts… you can’t even listen to the song, then after awhile, you forget. I don’t think that is going to happen to me. What I am talking about is how Christmas and the holidays make me feel. It is always a blue feeling. Now, it is even bluer. My sister died on Christmas day… killed by a drunk driver. I have mentioned it before, but since it is getting to be the time that we have Christmas parties.. please remember not to drink and drive.. although I doubt you will… try to stop someone else from doing it.. remind everyone that they could kill themselves or someone else.

My sister is still in my heart. I remember her now and then.. I see something and remember her.. hear a song and remember her… I feel this sense of loss with my boys too… some of it is irrational. I see a little kid at the store and remember how Alex and Andy used to be.. I miss them being little boys sometimes.. those Christmases that we shared.. just the three of us. Waking them up at the crack of dawn.. I was more excited to see them open their presents than maybe they were. Alex likes Louis Armstrong and good old Louis is on the Christmas soundtrack at Starbucks.

So, at times.. I drift off.. staring into space.. trying to numb my emotions, so I don’t look down in front of my wife. She’ll ask me if I am happy. I am. I am doing my best.. and I am happy.. but no, I don’t have everything that I want.. I want to see my boys.. I want to see them smile, I want to hug them. I want them to know, just how much I love them.

When I was young…… very young.. younger than my boys are now.. I would cry, every time I heard the song… Silent Night.

As I grew older, I learned how to control those emotions.. how to hold back the tears when I heard this song. What is it? Why that song? Why does it make me cry?

Well, it still does… now more than ever.