What else?

Well, the big scene on Friday was just another sign that things will never go away with my ex wife. She will constantly try to torment me.. I know that even if I move, she won't stop, but I hope that it becomes more difficult for her. I have to admit that whenever something strange happens, like both of my tires on the right side of my car going flat at the same time, with nails in the tires, I wonder if my ex wife had something to do with it.

This weekend I really didn't see the boys all that much... They played with the neighbor boys or they played with their cousins. On Saturday night I sat and watched tv in their room until we all fell asleep. I told them one last story before bedtime and told Andy that he shouldn't cry because this doesn't mean that we will never see each other again, it is just a change... a change that they will get used to. I talked to the boys about change and how at one time.. I would see them everyday, but I had to leave so I could make a better life for them and for me. We talked about how I used to be able to drop them off at school and then how we used to go to dinner together during the week. We saw each other less, but our time together was more important.

I had to remind my family what life would have been like if I didn't get a new job... How quickly they forget how much of a struggle it is just to see the boys.

I got upset when I asked Alex and Andy if they got the phone message that I gave last Wed. They said that they did hear the message because..."mom was at a parent's teacher conference and nana and papa were out" which meant that they were home alone.. and could have easily picked up the phone to talk to me. Andy said that his mother would be able to find out if they picked up the phone...so they just sat and listened to my voice.

On the way back... Andy said.."I don't think that I will be able to write you Dad... what if one of the kids in my class sees my note and tells my mom?"

this is all so hard on them.. especially Andy... he stared at me a long time before hugging me... crying uncontrollably... sobbing and gasping for breath.. I held him back.. and told him that I love him and this is not forever... it'sjust that we know how thier mother is.. and when I do get the boys for longer periods of time, but less often.. she may not give them to me...

We'll see.

I am off to Kansas Today!