The rollercoaster of life

A little more than five years ago, I asked my ex wife for a divorce...at the time, I knew what that would mean.. or I guess I thought I knew, but at times it has been much worse than expected. I have learned quite a bit about myself during these past 5 years. I remember how hard it was for me to be away from my boys.. the pain that I felt every night...that first day of school for my boys.. and that I didn't walk them to school. I was there, but Alex was afraid that his mother would be watching. Time has passed and I still feel that pain of seperation. I have thought of myself as a father... a devoted divorced father. Those two boys are special to me and I love them so much.

Now, my life is taking another turn.. and for the past month, the boys lived with me.. I felt that pain of seperation again.. that pain that I felt 5 years ago on the first day of school. I am not there.

Soon, I won't even be in the same state.

I fight with my emotions. I must do what is best for me and although it may seem a bit selfish, I must not sit back and let my exwife control my emotions anymore.

I am married to a wonderful and loving woman... someone that really must love me to put up with so much of my messy life.

Tonight, I realized that I must be a better husband too... I have become accustomed to devoting so much of my thoughts and life to my boys... some of it has been fruitless..not wasted time, but wasted tears. My boys love me and they always will. I know that most of my pain is a pain caused by guilt.. becuase I am not there for them, but despite all of that,,,they are good boys, very smart and they know that they are loved. Sure, it would be nice if they had their father around, but my ex has taken most of that away.

Tonight, as I sit here in the glow of this computer screen, I know that I must devote as much of my love to my wife. She is here with me, struggling with me everyday. My boys will always be there and even if I am in another state, we will always be close.

My family has been supportive but sad.. they will miss me and they tell me that they will never see the boys. I know that it isn't my fault. My ex wife could let the boys visit their cousins, their grandparents.. and when we go to court.. I will ask for that to be put in writing.. but we all know.. that thier mother won't do it.

Eventually, they will have to be the ones to defy their mother, to see the family that they love. Until then, it will be better to have distance from my ex...so I can take care of my wife and to take care of my boys future.

Life is a rollercoaster.. that is for sure. It can be scary as hell... as I click.. click... click up that tall track...knowing that there will be a thrilling ride ahead.

In then end.. I hope everyone comes away smiling. I know that the boys probably wouldn't get on this ride if they didn't have to.. maybe my wife wouldn't have hopped on this ride if she knew how it would be... maybe I am selfish at times to ask people to join me... maybe not...

It's going to be ok...