Hmmm...

In the next week, I will have my boys living with me. I know that it is going to work out.. I'll get them.. something that judge said.. sunk in through my ex wife's thick head. She let me talk to the boys last night... I am sure she is realizing that she better be good.. because.. she won't see them for 5 weeks.. and if she doesn't let me talk to them..why should I let her talk to them?

That's how it works.. threats.. and fear... and then she will do what she should do... for a little while. It won't last.

I have moments of extreme guilt... usually when I am tired. During the day, when I am thinking rationally... I am very excited about the prospects of moving.. and of setting up extended periods for the boys to come live wth me.. they have.. Fall, Winter and Spring Breaks and 10 weeks of summer. I just know that the boys are going to be confused.. and of course their mother will tell them that Daddy is leaving them... and that I don't care.

Here is how I see it... and I guess.. I want someone to tell me.. that I am a big jerk or that I am correct. I haven't asked for opinions.. but I am asking for yours.

Why? Because, I think the people that read this blog know my life better than most people that I see on a daily basis. Every visit with my boys has become difficult. I am not prepared... nor do I want a long battle in court.. it eats me up.. it hurts my relationship with my wife.

What are the positives? Well.. I will double my salary.. I will be doing a job that I know that I will love. I will get a company car and live in an area that if needed.. we can survive on my salary alone. The boys won't have to deal with this back and forth and the nervousness, that comes with it.

Negatives?
The biggest negative is that... I am worried that my boys will hate me, that I will feel the guilt on a daily basis and it will change me as a person.

I have to remember... that I will still be seeing my boys and that I know that they will still love me. I hope that they will understand... they may even think that it is better for them. Going back and forth and having the police come to the house.. isn't good for anyone. And...I have to remember that if I stay.. there won't be a great job like this...

The funny thing is.... there is a back up plan and that includes a job in Kansas City.. that I am perfect for. Someone called me yesterday, asking if I was moving there... strange? The grapevine is fast.

I feel better today.. but I wake up at 3am and can't go back to sleep. I can't wait to see my boys on Saturday... and give them some hugs. On Monday, I have an interview that may change my life. I will have to tell the boys... but before.. I will take time off and we are going to have a great time.