Today

Well, today is the day. I will be married! Yeah.

I took a long walk this morning with Molly(my dog) and I was thinking about how nice it is to have this blog. I can go back and look at how things have been in the past couple of years. Think about life in retrospect and realize just how incredible it is. It is a big journey through some pretty incredible experiences. The challenges in my life have made me stronger or wiser and have brought me to this day that I can enjoy so much. I only have a few more things to do before I go to see my love.... and after today you won't see me write fiancée anymore :)

I'll take pictures or find a way to scan pictures so I can post them here in a couple of weeks.

I don't know if I mentioned it before but the boys will not be at the wedding today. I gave it a lot of thought and actually one of the original days for the wedding was on a weekend that I would have the boys. I sat down and talked to them and Alex said that he really didn't want to come to the wedding, that he would be nervous and that he would have to answer a lot of questions. That isn't why I changed the date. I just had to look at the track record for special events in my life. My birthday, the boy's birthdays, Christmas, summer vacation and well... anytime the boys knew that there was going to be something special and how my ex wife caused a problem. She takes those opportunities to flex her control by not giving me the boys or by causing a confrontation when I pick them up. I decided that because of that.. and because of simple logistics... where would the boys go after the wedding? Nobody in my family wants to keep them for longer than an hour, nobody wanted to bring them back to my ex wife.. and to bring them back early would have been a pain anyway.. she probably wouldn't have been there. So... we'll just do something special, the four of us.. sometime this summer.

I believe that someday the boys will look back and say that they wish that they were there.. or maybe not.. I know my ex will tell them that I don't care about them, but they will make up their minds for themselves someday. Today is a special day for my love and me and if I am being a little selfish and because my wife is going to be the number one priority in my life, that the boys are going to be a part of OUR lives... well, I am not going to ask for forgiveness from anyone. That is the way it will be. The boys will be in our life... not the other way around.

Marriage is a huge step in anyone's life. Earlier in my life, I made a mistake. I married someone that I didn't love. To be honest, I didn't know what love was. I don't really want to go back and think of that day anymore, but I want to tell anyone that may be reading this that if you aren't married. Take your time, especially if you are young. Maybe we have to make mistakes sometimes, but at 41 years old.. I do wish that I had at least 15 years back. I am doing my best to take care of myself now, I don't think that I look or act like the normal 41 year old. I don't think that age really matters, but know that like an old car.. things break. I can feel a few aches and pains now that I never had before, but hopefully it is because I am exercising. I can see how it would be easy to sit back and drive the car to the dog park so Molly could run around, rather than take 2 hours to give her a really good walk and for myself too.

What I wanted to say was that even though I wish that I had time back.. I don't think that I would have changed much in my life. I guess I wish that I was a quick learner. I meet people here online that seem so ahead of the game so mature. I wasn't.. I was naive and easy to take advantage of. I grew up slowly and still want to be a kid now and then. I would have liked to think that I would have met my love if life was different, but when I was 23 and getting married for the first time.. she was only 10 years old. When I was getting separated she was 24 years old and not even thinking about a life in the United States. So, things happened exactly when they were supposed to happen. I know how to appreciate life now, how to appreciate the love she gives me and I know how to do my best to make her the happiest woman in the world. I know that the rest of my life will be great. There are no guarantees.. no crystal balls to look into the future, but I know that it will be so much better.

At work they gave me a card and my boss wrote a little poem "roses are red, violets are blue, I hope you have better luck with wife #2" :) she is funny. I just said.. I can't have worse luck can I?

No.. I am marrying someone that I find incredibly attractive... I don't mention sex here in my blog.. but lets just say that if I was looking for my fantasy girl.. she is it :) Lucky me... and I love to be with her. I can honestly say that she is my best friend. I feel totally comfortable with her and most importantly, I trust her with all of my heart. As you can imagine from my past, it has been hard to trust anyone. I went to a therapist because I felt that I would never trust someone again. It didn't take therapy, it took the right person. There is not a moment that I doubt her at all. Never... and for me that is amazing. I know that she loves me, and I know that she is honest, that she believes in God, that she wants to share her life with me.. that she took some time to really make sure that I am the man that she wants.

I am blessed, with so many friends here and I think I am blessed with many guardian angels too. If you don't believe in a higher power, that is ok. Let's just say that I do believe and that I believe that our lives are just out there for us to live. Bad things will happen. How you deal with those bad things and what you learn from them, will make you a better person. I don't know what better means, but I do know that eventually, you start to learn to love yourself, to trust yourself and to know that love isn't what you get... it's all about the joy that you get from loving someone else. I have found love. I am blessed that someone has found love in me too.

Take care everyone.. see you in a little over a week :)